The War Horse

Don't ever shake hands with George Bush or John Kerry! That isn't meant to be a personal snub or even a political statement at all. I saw a story in the Raleigh, N.C. newspaper recently with a headline reading " Yale Tries Soap in Dorm Bathrooms." The ensuing article went on to say "it took a decade of student lobbying, but Yale University appears ready to break with tradition and supply soap for dormitory bathrooms----". I checked, and Kerry graduated from Yale in 1966 and Bush in 1968. This gives a whole new meaning to "getting your hands dirty" in politics. I had my suspicions about these guys, but now the truth is out. I wonder if they have soap in the bathrooms at Wellsely?

I can't believe the ways that some folks make a buck off people who prove the old adage of "there's a sucker born every minute". What would you say to a guaranteed 9% return on your investment in this day and time? I was leaving the grocery store the other day and saw someone using one of those coins for currency machines where you put your change in the mechanical gobbler and it spits out paper money. The trouble is that it takes 9 cents (OK,8.9) on the dollar. I know their Depression Era parents or grandparents would kick the butts of anyone using these devices, particularly since they still save used tin foil!Oh well, I guess they really needed that dough to play the new N.C. lottery!

No wonder people go to the Internet these days rather than reading their local paper. I did a rough measure on the fourteen page front section of mine, and it was 50% advertisements. That means the news could have been put out in a seven page post---- just think of all the trees saved, less ink, less weight on the paper boy's back reducing injuries, and who knows what else. The newspaper executives could just charge us a little more, and forget those worthless ads. Of course, let's not forget all of the other things we use a newspaper for---- Over here WonderDog, not on the carpet!

Have you seen recently where the company who makes the BlackBerry may be in trouble for patent infringement, and may have to suspend service indefinitely? The BlackBerry is one of those devices that you can use as a phone, a planner, and who knows what else. I don't have to worry! I have about 200 "Little Fat Notebooks" all over the place that contain all kinds of valuable information. I leave the house without notebook #1, realize later that I don't have anything to write on, and buy notebook #2, then #3, #4, etc.,etc.
These two companies, rather than competing should merge---- I bet everybody would buy a "Little Fat BlackBerry"!

Leonardo DaVinci was so far ahead of his time that people in his day could not grasp his revolutionary ideas. One example is a precursor to the modern scuba diving tank. How many people out there are being called "crackpots" because they are way ahead of the rest of us? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

See you later.

Tim

I see an impending crisis coming for all of us boomers who listen to "Oldie Goldies" on the radio. I figure that most of the old hits are 30 to 40 years old, and take us all back to teenage romances, breakups, new dance crazes of those days, etc.,etc. Now, let's move forward about 30 years. Can you imagine an Oldies station playing rap music all day long, and trying to listen to it as an 80 or 90 year old?! To test my theory on what's likely to happen, I plan to take my 80 something Mother on a car trip, turn on my favorite Oldies station, and then ask," Mom, what do you think of this music?". I figure if she says something like " What is that crap?", we're all in trouble down the road. Start calling your favorite radio station to lobby for a new concept---- Super Old Golden Oldies. No, Mom, I can't find a station that plays Benny Goodman.

Have you ever watched one of those American Kennel Club dog shows on TV? I would rather watch paint dry. The handlers and the dogs get all poofed up and prance around in a circle while some grumpy looking judge names a winner and nobody knows why the dog won. I've got some great ideas to spruce things up. Give prizes for the dog who has the most breeds in one body. (I think Lucy the WonderDog would have a great shot at that one.) Have a dog fight among dogs in weight classes like boxing. Have the dogs do tricks and get prizes. Have a contest for loudest bark. The list is endless! C'mon WonderDog, time for the show.

I have a favorite dream about people who wear idiotic looking costumes in TV commercials . In my dream, the commercial ends and the poor hapless actor realizes that he cannot get the suit off and is doomed to wear it forever. My favorite candidate currently is the one where the father is dressed up as the sun while talking to his daughter about Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage. He looks so stupid, and the poor little girl comes off super dumb because she has to ask questions about what her dad does for a living. I guess things could be worse. What would a character be dressed up to look like in a Preparation H commercial?

I saw a story on the sports network recently about a megamillion dollar basketball player who refused to go into a game because the score was so one-sided. Can you imagine what would happen in the "real" world if people did that? Like--- "I'm a little off my game today, sir, so I only did a single versus a double bypass on your heart" or " I just couldn't quite get around to tightening those last bolts on that airplane wing over there." Maybe if we just reversed the pay scales of teachers and sports stars we could see a change.

The next time you see the sun set slowly over the ocean, tell me that was not created by a higher being.

See you later.

Tim

With all of the talk lately about George Bush and Dick Cheney listening in on our phone calls, I am reminded of just how far we have come with technology since the days of Alexander G. Bell. When I was a kid, we had the early version of people listening in on calls, because we had a "party" line with our neighbors. Forget the remote chance that George or Dick would hear you talk to someone about your hemorrhoids, back then it really happened! Turn the crank,dear, and Lily will connect you.

I am amazed at the complexity of something as simple as food. Do you have an exact list of everything the experts say you should put into your body on a daily basis and do you know the exact amounts? It would take an M.I.T. graduate to be your "personal nutrition tracker" if you wanted to be accurate about it. There are about twenty various and sundry vitamins, minerals, and who knows "what elses" listed on the side of my raisin bran box. Am I taking in too much folic acid? Should I eat more stuff with zinc and copper in it? Can you overdose on Riboflavin? I think I'll just be content with worrying about everything else that can kill me, and go ahead and risk the raisin bran. Hey--- this box didn't have 2 full scoops of raisins!

Either something is wrong with my walking shoes or my fat feet are stressing the laces. It seems that those darn things are coming untied every time I walk my daily miles. I guess I'll have to buy some of those shoes with the velcro straps that take the place of laces. Velcro was invented in 1948 by a Swiss fellow named George de Mestral after a chance encounter that he and his dog (maybe some type of WonderDog?) had with cockleburrs in the woods. He noticed that the burrs had small hooks that grabbed his clothing. He and a French designer made the new fabric Velcur(velvet)Crochet(hook), hence the name VELCRO. I guess the point of the story is that anyone can become a millionaire by taking walks through the woods with their dog. C'mon Lucy, time to go!

My wife and I don't talk politics much, but I suspect she is a closet Republican, because we keep getting these automated messages from the Republican Party. Today, I answered one of their surveys the exact opposite of what they wanted to say later about how "all" people feel. For example, when they asked if I would vote for someone who would dramatically increase taxes, I said "Yes, and taxes should go up quadruple what we pay now." I bet they'll have trouble analyzing that one! Hey honey, a fellow named George is on the line and needs a minute of your time.

I heard a sermon preached that I have long forgotten, but one question posed by our pastor has stuck with me----" In terms of your life's work, would you rather be Donald Trump or Mother Theresa?" I am sure that we all fall somewhere in the middle or so of these extremes, but it does make one think about life's mission.

See you later.

Tim

I recently saw a position open for a psychic consultant. I guess if you qualify you can do things like seeing into the future. I'm glad that companies didn't have psychic consultants back in the 1970's. If Big Corporation's psychic consultant had seen that women would pretty much quit wearing pantyhose by the 1990's, I could have been dumped much sooner! I'm going to find out what it takes to get a job as a psychic consultant. Hey honey--- where's the Ouija Board?

What do Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates think about all day while the rest of us figure out how to make enough money? I think if money were no object, most people would go batty figuring out how to spend their time. I've heard that's what happens to lottery winners. I think I'll volunteer to help anyone out who wants to avoid these problems. The newspaper ad would read---
" Having trouble with too much money? Call 1-800-NODOUGH, and get help immediately!"
I have to go now- the phone is ringing off the hook.

I recently saw a TV spot for a show called "The Dog Whisperer". Isn't that a person who supposedly talks to the animals, and they talk back somehow? To get Lucy The WonderDog to do anything would call for a "Dog Screamer". What things do you whisper to a dog that you can't say out loud? Would you whisper so that your wife and kids couldn't hear what you were telling the dog?--- like, " WonderDog, I'm tired of not having control over the remote. What do you think?" I'm afraid that WonderDog would reveal my secrets to other dogs who would tell their owners. The circle would be complete with my irate wife busting my chops over something that got back to her from the German Shepherd that lives on the next block. Oh well--- I guess I'll just keep talking to myself.

Have you ever noticed that all of the workers in Mexican restaurants are Mexican, but rarely do you see Mexican people eating there? I am going on a mission to find out where to find the best Mexican food in town. I figure that if I just ask the guys who work for Jeff The Yardman, they will tell me. It will take an interpreter, but it will be worth it. My biggest concern is that I will find out that Mexicans in the United States don't eat Mexican food anymore! I'll keep you posted.

I have concluded that both conservative and liberal talking heads on radio and TV are adding to the divisiveness in our society. I haven't seen one single proposal that they have put forward to solve the problems that they rant about. They thrive on firing up all of us lazy people who tune in and take sides either for them or against them. What would happen if instead all of that energy were challenged into constructive debate and problem solving?

See you later.

Tim

A retired friend of mine posed a great question on what a retiree should say when asked "What do you do for a living?" Since he hates saying "nothing", the challenge is to come up with an accurate truthful response. When I retire, I plan to rotate titles monthly. This month I could have used "dog trainer", since I've finally gotten Lucy the WonderDog to drop her tennis ball on command. (I scream DROP IT ! at the top of my lungs). Next month I could use "Project Assistant" as I help my wife with the kitchen renovation. Wait a minute, on second thought, I think I'll just say "nothing".

A good friend of mine claims that a fellow we both know actually marks his socks "left" or "right". I think the guy must be a genius, because I haven't found anyone yet who can tell me why. As for me, I've already tried buying all black socks so that I can pull them ouy of the jammed packed socks drawer with no problems. That plan broke down when I started buying different styles of black. Oh well, at least I'm not as bad as a guy I knew at work who wore two different shoes for two days in a row! He's probably in upper management by now.

Is it just me, or do people drive about 60 miles per hour in my residential neighborhood? I think all of us walkers should throw out those things that the police use to puncture tires during the chase scenes on TV. Maybe a "gentler" reminder would be a good idea, like those signs that register your speed as you come closer to them. The teenagers would probably use that as a contest. Who can get the sign to read triple digits? My wife bought some of those blinking red lights to put on for walking the WonderDog at night. (When I go with her, and there are not enough lights, the WonderDog wears the light and my wife hands me my navy blue windbreaker). I think the lights just make you an easier target for the cars. I guess I'll just keep practicing my swan dive into the nearest yard.

I met a woman in the line at McDonalds who said that she was a former police woman, and had to leave her job because of the stress that was ruining her health. The potential life-threatening situations and contact with the public were more than she could handle. I sympathized politely, shaking my head in response to some of the situations she described. As I sat down to drink my coffee, she left with her takeout order.I couldn't help but notice that she got into a car with what looked to be a young teenage girl behind the wheel. That's when I spied the sign on the side of the car " Caution Student Driver"!

I am always amazed by the views that politicians have on issues when they or a family member are affected versus when they can keep things at arm's length, and be instant experts on everything. Wouldn't it be great if they made decisions as though their own families were affected as much as the American families who were?

See you later.

Tim

Recently, Mc Donalds tore down their perfectly good building near my house and put up what they are calling Mc Cafe. The whole idea I guess is to bring in people who drive newer pickups than the people they cater to now. All of the workers have new glitzy uniforms, and there is a section where "fancy" coffee is sold for twice as much as the same coffee 6 feet away where the burgers are sold. (no customer was in the new section the whole time I was there). I tried to joke with the manager by saying funny stuff like " I bet those blueberry muffins weigh a quarter pound", but he didn't laugh much. Also in the "fancy" section they have real plates and silverware that the customers don't know what to do with after they finish eating. I wonder if they'll bring in their new clown for the Grand Opening?---Ronald McDonald Trump!

Why do so many retirees get eager to move off to Florida or some other place where they have to start all over again? Within one mile of my house, I have multiple restaurants, banks, doctor's offices, and any other necessity. I may never need a car again! Plus, in the same area there are two retirement homes waiting to sign me up. And best of all, there is a funeral home within comfortable "wheelbarrow" distance from the homes. Top all that for convenience.

I have a broken toilet at my house that I'm really happy about. Why,do you suppose, should that be? Well, my plumber, who I think hung the moon is a stock market day trader, and we compare notes every time he comes to the house. I found that out when I saw him reading an old copy of the Wall Street Journal he took from the recycle bin to keep water off the floor. What a man! I think this fellow is a threat to take business from all the brokers. Can your broker fix a leaky faucet? See you later Merrill Lynch!

I have seen it all now! I went to the bank to make a deposit today, and there was a sign at the desk that was written only in Spanish! Soon, the whole country will be speaking Spanish, and English will be out the door. I am working hard to do my part by being able to correctly pronounce everything on the menu of the Mexican restaurant we go to. I have a long way to go. No Habla Espanol Worthadama!

Have you ever thought about how many hard-toiling service workers never hear a word of praise from the public, but on the flip side get hung up to dry over service complaints most often out of their control? I don't mean just a simple thank you , but a heartfelt compliment rewarding a job well done. Yesterday, I had received excellent service from a woman in a typical call center environment. When I asked to speak to her supervisor, I could almost see her cringing at what that usually means. I told her that I was going to tell him that she had delivered service well beyond expected, and could she put him on the line. He ended up telling me that the young woman was being groomed for a management position. I proceeded to tell him that he was smart for hiring people smarter than he was, and we both shared a good laugh. I hope the young lady had a good day! Maybe if we did our part more to reward people, service would be better. Try it soon.

See you later.

Tim

Just the other day, I almost tried the automated checkout station at the market where my wife and I shop. It is one of those processes where an electronic voice and a touchscreen and barcoding are used. I figured that something was bound to explode, because a clerk was roaming among the stations helping anyone over 40 to figure the thing out. At one point, the clerk (who was over 60 herself) came over to the busy regular lines to try and get people to use the equipment. The man in front of me grumbled,"I won't do anything that takes a real person's job away." I think the clerk returned a secret smile. It didn't take me long to spot the biggest problem of all--- that automated voice does not ask whether you want "paper or plastic"! We all know how important that is--- don't we?

I have never met Tiger Kim, but he (or she) must be one of the richest people in town. He (or she) owns a spot in the shopping center near my house called "Tiger Kim's Taekwondo". I looked through the window and saw about 40 kids ages 6-12 practicing kicking people's heads in. This was around 7:00 PM when all of their buddies were at home doing normal stuff, like their homework. My theory is that the kids learning the new skill of "kikthecrapouttau" had their lunch money stolen by the school bullies and are out for revenge. Heck, if they just show up at school barefooted, and wearing those white robes and headbands and scream something like "Ahhhkeeeyaaah", I believe no one would get near them. They wouldn't even need the lessons. I wonder if I could start a karate school for 80 somethings? Hey mom--- come break this board in two!

I am sure you have seen the stores where everything sells for one dollar. I guess the whole concept rests on high volume sales of stuff the business owner bought "on the cheap". My idea is to go to the other end of the spectrum and open a $10,000 store catering to rich folks. My store would have no personnel except me, no backup inventory, and no long lines at checkout. The hours of operation would be 10AM to 10:30AM Monday. Just think, one sale at my store would be equal to 10,000 at the dollar store where they are busting a hump all day long! I'm looking for a partner. Give me a call if you're interested.

I saw something on TV recently about saving money on your power bill. It involved buying a blanket to put around your hot water heater to make it more efficient. This type of thing really makes me mad at the hot water heater company executives. I bet if you check their stock portfolios, they have about 80 million shares of Fuzzy Wuzzy Hot Water Heater Blanket Co. stock. I think that we should all boycott by not using hot water for a while. That would show them who's boss! Who will volunteer to get this campaign started?

Read a book that is totally out of your normal scope of interest and see what happens. You may have to force yourself to do the first one, but I bet you'll be surprised at the outcome.

See you later.

Tim

Just this morning I was thinking about Michelle Kwan's successful petition to become a member of the U.S. Olympic Skating Team for 2006. If you haven't heard the story, she could not compete in the meet that normally determines who gets spots for the Games, so she had to put forth a special request to go based on her prior record. I have decided to apply for a spot on the men's basketball team. It looks like a number of the pros are so tired or whatever other fake excuses they give, that there are bound to be available spots. I won the MVP award for basketball in 1967 at my high school. No one needs to know that the real MVP that year had a terrible attitude, and the coaches wouldn't dare give him the award. Today he would win it hands down because everyone has a bad attitude! Anyway, I plan to send in the picture of myself holding up the trophy and headlines from our winning games to whoever makes the decision. I hope they don't call for the original papers, since they are almost as yellow as a lemon. I wonder if they would make me wear those really long shorts that drop below the knees?

Who made up the rule that driver's license photos had to make women look like " Throw Mama From The Train" ugly and men look like they had just entered prison as serial ax murderers?I have never met anyone who would accept their picture for any other use. I have a perfect solution, and I bet all of you would ante up the additional tax money to pay for it. Each state license bureau would subcontract the photography part of the license process to one of those companies that does glamour shots ! The patrol officers would be freed up to work on more customers since the lines are 5,000 miles long, and all of us would be much happier that we would look better. Sweetheart, is my tux still in mothballs?

I have a small bone to pick with any company that makes consumable products, and of course that's a bunch. How are we supposed to know how long things are supposed to last or be used up? A case in point is the disposable razor. It's a great invention, but how many times is it supposed to be used before you throw it away? Currently for me, it is when I have to wrap a tourniquet around my neck to stop the bleeding. How many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches should I get from one jar of peanut butter? The list goes on. Of course if all products had such a label, we would need a whole new system to keep track of where we were on the counts. Well, at least we all know how many times you should wear a pair of underwear before you put it in the hamper----- don't we?

I love adjustable hats, the kind with the plastic band and notched holes on the back that allow you to fit the headgear to your own size. I bet some of you even have bosses that have to change the size after every new promotion they get. The real neat thing is that maybe you could buy your six-year old one hat that would last his entire life! Of course there is always a bad flip side to everything it seems. Just imagine the number of warehouses that shut down and jobs that were lost because all of those hats in the past had to be made and stored somewhere. Retail floor space shrunk as a result, too! Oh well---- watch out for adjustable pant legs!

Call someone today that you haven't talked to in a long time, and I mean years not days. You may be amazed with the results! Let me know what happens.

See you later.

Tim

All of you aspiring Scarsdales out there trying to invent the newest diet phenomenon should not worry about the latest concept coming down the pike. It's called" intuitive " dieting. The idea is that you shouldn't be concerned about what you eat or how much--- just listen and your body will "tell" you when it's full.I've run into a lot of "deaf" people lately or else they are ignoring what their bodies are telling them.Maybe they should call this the "No Diet Diet". Sir, can I biggie size your order?

When I was leaving the course where I often walk, a man stopped me and asked if I knew how long the course was, and I answered "6003 feet". Seeing that he still had a somewhat puzzled look, I added "and that's 1.14 miles. Early on I had used a calculator on that one. The 6003 number is posted, and the fellow just missed it. This episode got me to thinking again about why such an odd distance. Here is a possibility------ Back in the 1960's, the City Engineer told one of his men in the Maintenance Department (his name was Earl) to measure a one mile course and he would do a drawing for the mayor to approve. Earl and his assistant (Bubba) did just that and had a bulldozer ready to do the work. Hold everything! The mayor said that he had to first get permission from the lawyers and the Planning Board that met the third Friday of each month. The environmental folks would have to be satisfied that there was adequate protection for the habitat of a yellow spotted muskrat which had been seen in a nearby creek. A real political wrangle was brewing over who the course would be named after which kept everything on hold for months. Meanwhile, one day when Earl was cleaning all of the Mc Donald burger wrappers out of his truck, he accidentally threw out the engineered drawing of the course. Lo and behold, the City Engineer called and said he wanted the course laid out immediately because the mayor had an upcoming photo op with the Governor of North Carolina, no less. That's when Earl found out the drawing was missing. He and Bubba rushed down to the course, and things just got worse. Many rainstorms over all that time when things were on hold had washed away the markings that Earl and Bubba had so carefully done. Earl panicked because he just knew his boss would fire him and then where would he get the money for his daughter Billie Jean's braces? There was only one thing left to do------ estimate. Earl had Bubba step off the distance, but the problem was that Bubba wore a size 16 shoe. Earl put up a sign on the finished route that said "Course 1 mile", and hoped no one would be the wiser. Complaints started coming in soon after the course officially opened, but were ignored for about 40 years. Finally, long after all the principal players were retired or deceased, some VIP complained that his track star son had never run a mile that slowly, the course was re-measured, and the present day sign, "Course 6003 feet" was erected. Now of course this story is fictional--- or is it?

I was waiting to have a key made at the hardware store today, and I stopped at the pet section and spied the "Wonder Fluff Silent Dog Whistle" for $2.99. I turned it over and read these directions:
" Wait until your dog is sleeping. Blow the whistle while slightly adjusting the pitch by turning the screw ring. Pitch should be adjusted until your dog's ears and head pick up. When this happens you have tuned your dog to his frequency pitch. You are now ready to train your dog to answer." I was really getting excited about the product until that last sentence. How will Lucy the WonderDog "answer the whistle"? Does she magically know that the whistle means to quit eating the sofa? Does she truly answer with some dog-coded bark like three woofs mean I have to go out? I wonder when wives will make a whistle that only husbands can hear?

It amazes me that sports players thank God for helping them win the game. Does that mean that God hates the other guys and made them lose because they were devil worshipers? My college team even has a name (Deacons) that should guarantee victory, but they've lost three straight conference games. Duke's "Blue Devils" should lose every game(well, in football they just about do!). Just think, if religion influenced victory, all coaches would be replaced by rabbis, priests, and ministers. Faith healers would replace the training staff. Team meetings would be prayer meetings, and play books would become prayer books. Geez--- Pat Robertson would be Commissioner of the NFL!

I saw a TV piece today about a father who abandoned his wife and children. The adult son said that he would welcome his father back on any terms that he chose. What a great son!

See you later.

Tim

Lucy the WonderDog must have her daily walk which includes her "constitutional" somewhere along the way. In our neighborhood that requires a poop bag to transport the offending matter back to one's own home for disposal. The WonderDog usually does her business just far enough away from the house to create a maximum time that her fragrance must be endured. I have been known to do a "fake" pickup when you make a great production of taking out the bag, fiddling with it, leaning over, and placing it near the "scene of the crime", and tying the bag up all with the poop still in the yard of the unsuspecting neighbor. This tactic creates such a strong feeling of guilt that it must be used only in extreme emergencies. I saw a movie one time about two guys who invented an aerosol spray that would make the "stuff" disappear with one easy application. If we can put a man on the moon, there is hope for the Super Duper No More Pooper Magic Spray! Have a nice stroll.

Do you ever watch the shows where a nice couple flips a house for big money? The show is thirty minutes worth of find house, fix it up, and sell it for two hundred thousand dollars in profits. This always happens! I want the producers to show an episode where the couple lose their butts by that much which is probably what happens more often than not. There would be scenes of the bankruptcy proceedings, subsequent divorce, and job loss with a final shot at the poor house. What a ratings winner!

My eighty-one year old mother has a paper shredder. I am trying to figure out what kind of top secret stuff she destroys in that thing that anybody would want. Of course, we have one too, and I am betting that most households possess one or will soon. The paper shredder company executives have convinced us all that organizations of highly sophisticated criminals are hanging out at the local landfills or even posing as your garbage man to take over all of your credit cards and bank accounts. When they finish pasting together the shredded documents recovered after the midnight raid where they cut through the barbed wire at the dump, sorted through kitchen and bathroom trash and even some "gifts" from the WonderDog (see above), I have a feeling that they will feel very deserving of some of my money. I think robbing a bank would be much more productive and sanitary. By the way, do you shred lengthwise or crosscut?

My friend's wife works the Sudoku puzzle that appears in our local paper daily. So does my youngest niece. For those of you who aren't familiar with these things, the process involves lining up numbers from 1 to 9 in rows, columns, and squares with no number repeated throughout. These maddening puzzles are a diabolical plot of some evil empire to drive us all nuts. I nearly had a mental breakdown working on one labeled "easy". I think that the CIA should use the suckers for agent training or testing." Mary Joyce--- your uncle needs your help please!"

I think that we should all reflect tomorrow on whose methods are most successful--- Democrats, Republicans, or Dr. King. Where's your vote?

See you later.

Tim

This is a message that appears on a sheet that I had to read with a magnifying glass. It was inserted into a box that contained a small bottle of eyedrops . It reads as follows:
"In patients receiving systematically administered quinolones, serious and occasionally fatal hypersensitivity(anaphylactic) reactions have been reported, some following the first dose. Some reactions were accompanied by cardiovascular collapse, loss of consciousness, angiodema(including laryngeal, pharyngeal, or facial edema),airway obstruction,dyspnea, urticaria, and itching."
Good grief!- I better not accidentally put more than the prescribed one drop in my eye. I can see the scene at the funeral home now. " What did the old boy die of ,Charlie?" " Haven't you heard--- his larynx collapsed while he was having a heart attack, he lost consciousness, and a container of itching powder was found next to the body. They are still looking for the cause of death."
( I would hate to read a warning label on the box that contains Preparation H!)

I think that whoever invented paper plates and plastic eating utensils is probably disappointed by now. The invention of the automobile made a whole class of transportation obsolete including horse and buggy along with buggy whips. The whole idea of not having china and silver should have taken the country by storm. Just think---- no need for dishwashers or even kitchen sinks, nor dish towels, nor polish for the silver. The list goes on and on.

Lucy the Wonder Dog has a microchip just below the skin between her shoulder blades. This amazing technology allows all vets and animal shelters with special scanning equipment to get information on dogs that are turned in as lost. I have heard statistics that twenty percent of lost dogs are reunited with owners as a result.This can mean only one thing---- Eighty percent of owners are reserving the right to "lose" their dogs in the event of a problem. Now I didn't have a choice with the Wonder Dog since she came with the chip already installed, so dropping her off on some farm at midnight where they already have five thousand cats and dogs is not an option. Voila, a solution presented itself the other day! My wife was told that we had to change the information contained on the chip to our address when we adopted the Wonder Dog. She told me it cost twenty bucks or so. If the Wonder Dog does enough bad stuff like eating an entire clothes hamper which she did recently, here's what I can do. I will change the address to my "favorite" ex-boss's house, and then take the Wonder Dog to the farm when the little farmgirl kid is playing in the front yard and Bingo---- problem solved!Watch out--- I know where you live.

Have you ever seen the home improvement shows where a man and a woman are working on some project together like building a shed in the back yard? Give me a break! Of course it's impossible for that to happen in real life, but I bet they have to pay those folks about one million dollars per show to even do it at all. My wife and I would kill each other before the first board was in place even if I did have one iota of skill to do that type of thing. If you are a couple and claim that you could do that together, I would like to personally bring my video camera to your house and film the project. Any takers?

Have you ever listened to Rush Limbaugh? He used to do a homeless update where he poked fun at homeless people and their advocates. I haven't heard a single one of those since Rush had his prescription drug problem. Wonder why?

See you later.

Tim

I think that I have figured out how speed limits are set, and my conclusion is that something needs to change. Silas Creek Parkway, a busy highway near my house, provides a case in point. Everyone between the ages of sixteen and thirty-nine goes seventy-five miles per hour on this road,and those over sixty-five go fifteen miles per hour. The average of those numbers is forty-five miles per hour, and that's where the legal geniuses have set the speed limit. All other drivers(those from forty to sixty-four in age) drive at fifty-five miles per hour. Of course this means that every driver is subject to getting a ticket for some speed violation, driving too slow or too fast. Give me the ticket, Barney!

When my family leaves the house, Lucy The Wonderdog must be put in a cage or havoc of unimaginable proportions may be wreaked. We think that we are missing one TV, and there is a strong possibility that she ate it. All of the conventional wisdom of pooch psychiatrists says that dogs are perfectly happy when crated. On the contrary, we feel that the Wonder Dog must have as many comforts as possible or she will be traumatized for life. The main concern is not only leaving the TV on while we are gone, but making certain that the right channel has been selected. My wife favors the food channel, the animal channel, or the home improvement network, while I choose sports, the financial network, or HBO. I would really like to know what The Wonder Dog herself thinks. I hope that scientists will work on a way that canines can communicate on that sort of thing. Hey- maybe the Weather Channel to know when the squirrels will be most active? Woof, Woof.

Have you ever noticed that in a ranch style house built in the 1960's, the master bathroom is really small? I feel that ours is about four square feet. The bathroom fan in that small space sounds like a jet breaking the sound barrier. I think we should buy one of those toilets that blasts your rear end with water. Then we could do away with the shower and save space. Any other ideas out there?

It is amazing to me the number of questions we are asked that we are really never expected to answer or a uniform yes or no is expected. How about when you pick up a prescription, and you're always asked " Would you like to speak to the pharmacist?" Of course, 99.9% of the time the answer is "No", but I'm working on a response something like this---" Yes, I surely would, and my main thing is to ask him how his family is getting along, what he thinks of his job here at Super Drugs, and what he does in his spare time. I also want to know what school he graduated from,his grade point average, and what he thinks about the next Presidential election. After that, I plan to check in on his church life and what kind of car he drives." Can you go get him now so I can get started?
Another one of my favorites is the supermarket clerk question---- " Did you find everything OK?" Our perpetual answer is "Sure", but here is my truthful reply---" I finally found everything in one hour that would have taken my wife seven minutes.I made five thousand circuits of this damn place looking for Almond Granola Bars, and probably bought the wrong thing anyway. Every aisle is marked with signs listing obscure items, but what about just plain ole "bread"? My god--- everybody buys that and you are doing everything you can to hide it. You have eight million wine bottles, and I looked at seven million plus labels to find the one I was looking for. Other than that, I had no problems."
Paper or plastic?-----decisions!decisions!

Thanks for your emails on this blog. Even the comments that I must not have enough to do are appreciated. (Thanks Debby and Shirley!)

See you later.

Tim

I have late breaking news- the battle for the TV remote is almost over! We recently went to one of the cable services that combine computer, phone, and TV all into one magical package that is cheaper now, but will probably cost us double later when they realize we'll pay it just to avoid the three day hold time on the phone to switch to the next "best deal". Anyway- back to the remote. I just finished counting the buttons on the plastic monster and the total is fifty-eight! What are the odds that a fifty something like me will ever figure the damn thing out, much less someone in their eighties like my mother? I have taped paper labels in giant print on her ninety dollar CD player with the words "power", "off", and "on". After thinking about this issue for awhile, I finally figured it out. Wives and young people have conspired to drive the remote out of the hands of every red-blooded sports-watching man in America, and the strategy has a great chance for success. I'll bet that forty-eight of the buttons are absolutely non-functional, but they know the ten that really work. Oh well, I guess we'll never return to the days where I made my little brother get up and change between the three black and white channels we could get!

My dear wife and I have told at least three different subcontracting types on our kitchen remodel that our gas stovetop is three or four years old. Well, she had to lookup something about it today, and it turns out that it was installed in 1991. My theory is that all people over fifty have this problem of seeing everything as recently purchased in their subconscious desire to never get older themselves. Nevertheless, we must become more accurate in our dating of things, so here is my idea. Carmakers have gotten it right. All of us know at the drop of a hat that we have a 1998 Honda Accord or a 2002 Volkswagen Beetle or whatever we have. Let's use dates on everything else! For example, I've got a 1975 Basset Kingsize Bed and a 2002 Dell Computer and a 1995 Seth Thomas Wall Clock, etc., etc., etc. Don't you think that's a great idea?

Speaking of the kitchen remodel- My wife has at least ten flooring samples laid out on the floor, one of which almost put me through the side door in a spasmodic sprawl as I nearly fell on my derriere. It did spawn another fantastic idea to save money. I bet when all of these floor salesmen type guys are caught up in the sales pitch frenzy and get busy all over the place, they forget where all of these samples are or just say "Don't worry about returning the sample, I have plenty more." Well, my plan is to count up the number of tiles we need and call up that exact number of vendors, request a sample, and install all of them as our new floor. Even if one of them pushed to get his sample back, I could just say that Lucy The Wonder Dog chewed it up and I'm awfully sorry. What do you think?

I have been on a mission to find toys for Lucy The Wonder Dog, girl of multiple breeds,of which one must be some kind of bull something. This dog has jaws of steel, and has torn to shreds every toy that has ever been manufactured for a dog. Those evil dog toy executives are either conspiring to make this happen, or they all have these little nancy schmanzy prissy little yorkie poo schitzy zoo chihuahua looking type dogs that couldn't even break the skin of a grape if they gave it all they had. Well, my wife brought home what is called an indestructible ball. I believe it! I think that the big toe on my left foot is broken from trying to kick it across the yard the other day. If our car tires were made this way, Goodyear would have to declare bankruptcy. The Wonder Dog is no fool. Whenever that ball comes near her, she runs to the fartherest corner of the yard and whimpers in fear. So would I ! Good try, but back to WalMart we go.

Do you think that the greatest U.S. Presidents of all time are carved into Mt. Rushmore? Here is a list for a new monument that I am thinking about--- Franklin Pierce, Warren Harding, James Buchanan, Millard Fillmore, and the current George Bush. Which state would volunteer one of their mountains for the project?

See you later.

Tim

I think that one of the greatest things to happen with candy has been the arrival of the Altoids tin. I keep pennies in mine in my car. That way the little brown pests do not bounce around and make rattling noises that I can confuse with some obscure part of my auto going bad. I actually like the tin better than the candy---maybe that's what the company had in mind!

Have you ever thought about the amount of time that you spend stopped at red lights? I figure that if you started driving at sixteen and drive until you are eighty, you will have spent approximately forty days of your life just waiting for a light to turn green! My God- if I am close, just think about how many other relatively non-productive stuff we spend our time doing. The list is endless. Hey- wake up, honey, we have to get on with the rest of our lives.

I did an interesting thing in the library today. I walked down several different aisles, and with my eyes closed(after I stopped walking of course) I pointed at a shelf and wrote down the selected random title. Here are the titles and subject matter---
One Small Candle- an account of the Pilgrim's first year in America
Never Forget- an oral history of September11
Disaster 1906- the San Francisco earthquake and fire
Life Under the Pharaohs- self explanatory
Dreadnought- Britain, Germany, and the coming of WWI
The Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson
Letters of a Nation- collection of famous American letters
The Ultimate Dog Care Guide
About Modern Art
Through the Lens- National Geographics Greatest Photographs
Just think of all the new things I could learn by reading those ten! Aren't libraries wonderful places in a democratic society?

I had the privilege of visiting a close friend today who recently retired. Everyone told him that he would be miserable within a short time. He told me, to the contrary, that every day was a new adventure.Here are a few of the things that I saw when he took me on a tour of his home-
- He has a room full of Civil War artifacts that he has collected over many years on display in a manner that would make a museum curator jealous.
- He refinishes furniture and has several projects lined up to do.
- Just this week he reuphoulstered an ottoman which he had never done before.(It looked professional to me)
- He toured me through his brand new house trailer which he says he will hit the road in when the weather gets better.
- He has built a number of grandfather clocks that are dispersed throughout his house.
- He has just completed refurbishing an old barn on his property where he stores all of his lawn and garden paraphenalia.
- He just started reading Bishop's The Day Lincoln Was Shot
- He just sold his old boat on ebay and bought a new one.
The list goes on, but we only visited for lunch. Enjoy your retirement!

I plan to begin writing down all of the bumper stickers that I see. The ones that blow my mind are the variety that run the risk of stimulating the "nuttos" to commit road rage. I'll comment more after my collection gets larger.

Today, we had our kitchen floor checked for asbestos since the plan is to tear it out and replace it. This reminded me of my thoughts about Radon testing in houses. Scientists say that Radon is colorless, odorless, and deadly. My theory is that everybody who dies from "natural causes" has really succumbed to the deadly ravages of the mysterious Radon that is apparently everywhere. Since I don't have a job, I plan to come up with a new deadly something to terrify people about, and make millions selling a device that will detect it. Watch out in your local hardware store for the Darth Vaderon Gas Detector Kit coming soon.

My pastor is now teaching a Sunday school class on a book called God's Politics. I can't wait to find out whether God is a Republican or Democrat. I guess I'll just ask George. See you later-----

Tim

A dear friend of mine has the strange notion that just because I'm getting older I might have something of value to say! His inspiration leads me to title this blog War Horse (an old one no doubt!) as well as getting that moniker from a former boss who I happened to label as "young stallion".

My friend and I meet regularly to discuss alternating books of choice, either fiction or non-fiction, and I must say that it keeps one's brain from turning to mush. We also have a great time coming to grips with issues given his lean to conservatism balanced by a slight left turn on my part.

Our latest read, chosen by me, is Jimmy Carter's latest, Our Endangered Values, detailing his views that the agenda of the conservative right is dangerous in many ways that have created the biggest divide between Americans in our history. While I proclaimed Carter a genius, my buddy wondered whether he is still trying to make up for being the weakest leader the White House has seen in many a year!( Let us know what you think)

How many of you have lived through the remodeling of a kitchen? I don't mean the aggravation and inconvenience of trying to eat your raisin bran off your lap in the den. I am referring to the challenge of making sure that your choices of decor, colors, appliances, etc. match your wife's exactly! If you cannot make that happen, your very survival is in doubt. So far so good.

Our latest canine addition to the family is one- Lucy The Wonder Dog. I call her the wonder dog because I am still trying to figure out what mix of breeds she could possibly be. So far I've heard shepherd, boxer, pit bull, boston bull, and a few others. If I can continue with the blogging effort over the long haul, I must give her a featured spot, since the family dog ranks at least four of five in our house.(Wife,two daughters, dog,husband.)

Well, I'm off to a job interview----- I have successfully managed to lower my salary in every job I've taken since I left Big Corporation in 1999. I will definitely keep that record intact if my latest effort succeeds. Wish me luck!

Tim